It's amazing how things can change in an instant.
My grandma was diagnosed with lymphoma about a year and a half ago. Since then, she has been in a nursing home, unable to walk. She had a feeding tube, gained weight without knowing, had a loving family bring her milkshakes and goodies and always, ALWAYS smiled. She loved her family more than anyone could imagine. Yet God had better plans. Around 8:00 tonight, she went to be with Jesus.
Meemaw was one of the most precious people in my life. She lived in San Antonio for a few decades, always wore velvet pants (even in the summer) and had red acrylic nails. They were always red. Her name, Vivian, was a clear understatement to how she lived. When she wasn't drinking coffee (alone or with friends), spending time at church/studying the Bible or planning her next trip (she loved to travel), she would talk about her family. She would call our house frequently and catch up on life. I remember growing up thinking she never had grey hair. It was always dark brown. Even in the nursing home, someone darkened it for her. Her lips were always a pink shade, and she had a special way of saying the word "sweetheart." It was her nickname for most of the grandkids. Meemaw would nod a lot and say yes for confirmations. She worked for a Christian Jew foundation and always shared Christ's love to everyone. Meemaw would go to Israel and study the Old Testament, then she would come home with tons of stories. She always made it a point to get us something and had a story with it.
When I revealed my dream to move to Boston several years ago, she told me to go on with it. Even in her final months, she told me to never give up that dream, and that she'd hope to come visit me someday up there.
That's why my face dropped when I the call from my mom. I was in the middle of watching Beauty and the Beast (Meemaw gave me the VHS recording when I was three) and having a pow-wow with my friend Natalie. As soon as the movie ended and Natalie left, I curled up and cried. I mean, what else was there to do? I got in bed, cuddled with a pillow and buried my head in it. Unable to move, I held my fetal position and thanked God that she is no longer in pain, no longer struggling with hospital stays and doctors and no longer cancerous.
I eventually got up and listened to some Coldplay while I started packing. It's impossible to put your finger on where to even begin under these circumstances. I emailed my professors saying I'd have to miss class, texted my friends to give them a head's up and tried to organize things. I hate that I didn't go home this weekend and spend some time with her. The last time I saw her was a few days after my birthday. She was all smiles, talked a lot and gave me an LSU lamp. It did not fit with the moving stuff, but it will definitely be in my apartment upon return.
After packing some things (I'm still not done), I began to listen to some of my Christian music, praying that the next song would be a comfort. It absolutely was. Any song that came on discussed giving our sorrows to Jesus or keeping the faith in the fire and harvests. It was exactly what I needed. Granted, there are still times I just find myself sitting on the floor staring at the wall, or I catch myself laying in bed crying uncontrollably, but knowing my grandma is with Jesus, reunited with her husband (who passed away when my dad was 16) and recalling the last time I saw her was absolutely wonderful were constant reassurances to me.
Two years ago, I lost my grandpa to stomach cancer. Now that this happened, I was reminded of Job - how he lost it all, yet he still trusted God. To have faith like Job and know that God will always be there is the main thing that's helping me pack. I know the drive is going to be long tomorrow, but seeing my family and feeling my mother's embrace and father's smile are the things I'm looking forward to the most.
Tim Tebow says, "I don't what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." Those words absolutely speak truth.
